I was shopping with my mother and my cousins yesterday, they had to get a bunch of Christmas presents before they went back to Jamaica. We were in Le Chateau, I think Sarah was trying on a dress, I was getting tired of shopping for other people when I heard a guy say hello. I turn around and there's my Joshy. I'd heard rumours that he had gained weight, and they were true. He was all grubbed out with track pants and falling apart shoes. Same clothes as before, but a lot tighter. He's got a belly now. He just looked all dirty and sweaty. Still has the eyebrow ring. It was awkward, we haven't talked in a really long time. The new wife was there, she's really plain looking and she ran away when she realized who I was. We did the small talk thing, and he left saying he'd give me a call.

I couldn't sleep last night and I just kept thinking about him. And I realized, although I may have doubted it at times, I really really really loved him. He couldn't have been better to me or for me. He tried so so hard to make me happy. Talking to me on the phone for hours at a time about everything and nothing. Buying me a goldfish for Christmas. And another one when that one died. My gold ID bracelet. My garnet ring. My silver rings when he realized that I wasn't going to wear the gold jewelery to prom. Gertrude the plant. Taking his break at the mall with me. Buying me a chocolate at lunch at school. Letting me sit in his lap. Cooking me dinner. The piercings. Lieing in bed with me. Getting a new job, in part because I didn't like the smell of onions from Steak + Potato. Taking buses and walking in the dead of winter to visit me. Bringing me soup and a card when I was sick. Letting me pick out bad movies. Introducing me to new movies. Kissing me right after I puked. Giving me a diamond pendant because I was in a bitchy mood. Going to college because he knew I needed him to. Crying to say goodbye to me. Making every New Year's miserable, since it can't live up to the one where we first got together. The list is just endless.

Not a single guy has lived up to him. I try. He can't be the only one. He just cared about me so much. Seeing him yesterday made me realize that I made the right decision when we broke up. It put me at ease. I tried to fix him up when he really didn't need it. He already had what he needed. When I saw him, I just knew that I did the best thing for both of us.

Those who know me well, know that I'm not emotional. And that the hardest thing I ever had to do was to drive away from Josh's house that day. The day before I came to Ottawa to start the next chapter in my life. I cried so hard and he was standing there and I just wanted to turn around and hug him and never let go. But I didn't. Sobbing hysterically, I drove away. Looking back, I don't think I was crying out of heartbreak or anything cheesy like that. I was scared out of my mind. I was crying because I was scared. He was my support for over two years and I was going to a school where I knew no one. I had never been so scared in my life. And I was crying because I knew as much as I needed him, he needed me. I was just so scared and so lonely. I loved him.

There was always that part of me that questioned what I did. If I'd really tried, things could have worked for us. We had no real reason to break up apart from the distance. We had only had one major fight in the years that we were together. We just worked well together. I could have come home and visited, he could have come to Ottawa. Long distance could have worked. Maybe if I had tried harder...

I've seen him since I left a year and a half ago, but seeing him yesterday... I think that was the first time that I could bring myself to say goodbye without being scared.