I want to start 2004 over again.

Back up in Ottawa. I'm having a horrible time this year. And it's only been 4 days. Something happened last night that just put me back to that one day when I was 16 and my head was screaming and everything inside felt like it had melted... The word 'no' is just echoing, and bouncing around and it has no effect. Like none of the last four years had happened. And I didn't want to go back to that day, I've spent the last four years getting away from that day and in one night he did that to me, he made me go back. He forced me back and everything I've done is coming undone. And I don't know what to do or what to think. It's a state of 'I don't know'. Everything is so uncertain and I don't know how I even feel. I don't know if I'm angry or sad or just trying to hide it all again. I was just frozen this morning and I called everyone I knew. I talked to Kelly for a while, but really, what could she say? What did I want her to say? I called everyone, regardless of whether or not they'd be awake that early. And no one was. I ended up on a crisis line, talking to a counsellor. I just needed to be told that I was justified for how I was feeling and that I didn't do anything wrong and that I tried to stop it. But really, talking to a stranger didn't help. I need someone to tell me that I didn't deserve that. And a stranger really can't provide that. I need my head to stop screaming and my eyes to stop watering and I need to get back into today. I think I'm going to stay up until midnight tonight and count down and start this year all over again.