Home sweet home... (?) Apparently my last post in Ottawa didn't work either, I'll try to fix that up when I get my computer hooked up. Which, yes, will be difficult considering I left the power cord for it in Chris' room. Had a shitty time leaving. Not as bad as leaving home at the end of summer, granted, but harder than expected. Joey... I always have guys in the wrong area code. I think my thing with him is that I think he's better than me so anytime he compliments me or even the fact that he's so crazy about me, it sends me into a state of disbelief and shock. Anyone who's heard me talk about him knows how absolutely ecstatic I was when I first met him, not to mention when he asked me for my number. I didn't think things would work out this well, and now that I'm gone I realize I like him more than I thought I did. Humph. Definately going to be visiting him a few times over the summer and see what happens. Went out with aforementioned frat boy, not a bad time but he's not it. Obviously, if you couldn't tell from the "he cheats on his girlfriend" thing. Very similar to me personality-wise but just out to have as much fun as he can get away with, and he gets away with a lot. Leaving Chris blew elephant testicles too. (What a lovely image...) He got me all teary so I just rushed out of there before I turned all emotional-weeping. It's not like I'll never see him again, he couldn't get rid of me that easily. I'd like to thank him, but I don't think he'd understand what it is that I'm thanking him for. So here officially starts the Newmarket part of the adventures. Yuck. I do not approach it with much enthusiasm. The whole concept of "home" is kind of confusing me right now because if "home is where the heart is" and your heart is in a few places, then where do you call home? I might head up again to Ottawa for a summer of adventures but I think I need a rest from that for a while. Not that I want that rest, it just might be in my best interest. Get grounded and level-headed again before second year. I did a lot of stupid stuff this year, not necessarily idiotic but very out of character and not anything that I'd like to discuss over the dinner table. Look at "The Hit List" that Carol and I made for ourselves of guys we'd made out with over the year. I'm not even posting the number on here! All in good fun, I'm still alive and that's all that counts. I wonder what my year would have been like if I'd gone to McGill like originally planned. Here are the plans so far for the summer:
a) one amazing roadtrip to anywhere
b) find awesome job like last summer
c) make out with Joey whenever the opportunity presents itself
d) do not get emotionally attached to anyone in my 905 area code (or any other than 613 for that matter)
e) lose disgusting amount of weight I've put on first year, Joey is a personal trainer, what are you doing?!
f) try not to snap on parents
g) get over feelings of superiority to certain schlubs in town
h) keep in touch with everyone from Ottawa that matters
i) continue the spirit of my Ottawa adventures
j) remember to blog something non-poetic at least once a week
k) and above all, stay sane!!!

HAHAHAHA! So my frat boy with the tongue ring tells Omar to tell me that I should give him a call. HAHAHAHA!!! As I said to Omar, "Why?". Interesting, interesting. Or perhaps I should call his girlfriend. The day I understand guys will be the day that I die...

And the message comin' from my eyes says leave it alone...
And the feeling comin' from my bones says find a home...
And the stains comin' from my blood tell me "Go back home"...
-The White Stripes

In the past 48 hours, my "studying" has consisted of, among other things:

-An invitation to a threesome
-A comparison to deli meat (see above)
-Getting drunk twice
-Actually trying to booty call Rommel when drunk
-Laughing at a man with comic books at the bar
-Getting "the look" from a group of cougars
-Hours of convincing certain guys that I really and truly do not want to be a part of their threesome
-Getting Chris pissed off at me in our weekly duel
-Showering daily with a flashlight
-Watching a chick parachute in the park
-Annoying Chris with every twig in a 2 mile radius
-Commenting on every hideous dog walking through the park
-Flipping on suitemates for loud dance music
-Made Chris ecstatic by finding his song by the Toadies
-Pulling a Mary Tyler Moore and debating staying in Ottawa
-Realizing my resume has been deleted
-Convincing Sully that his future housemate is homosexual
-Getting Derek to try to pick up "Shoshanna", who was wearing jeans, knee high boots and a purple mesh dress
-Getting hyper off of sugar and Tylenol
-Discovering that Jake doesn't like to be poked
-Poking Jake repeatedly
-Rediscovered the addictive Dope Wars
-About 1 hour of studying for the three final exams that I have this week

(Blanche and Rose come in the back door into the kitchen. They are dressed in nun's costumes. Angelo walks into the kitchen.)
Dorothy: Uh, Uncle Angelo, these are my two best friends. I'd like you to meet... Uh...
Rose: (Stepping forward.) I'm Sister Rose.
Blanche: (Stepping forward.) And I'm Sister Blanche. (Looks down at her bra in her hands.) And we're collecting lingerie for the needy, sexy people!

Ah, the Golden Girls...

Well I have finally expanded the horizons of my blog to add a guestbook. Click the "Shout Out" under each entry to add your comments... I'd love to see who's actually reading this thing and feel free to offer some psychoanalysis!

"I sat on my bed for a long time. I sat and sat. Something was wrong inside of me; I felt it in my stomach and I didn't know what to do. So I lay down on the floor, I stuck out my pointer finger and pointed it at my head. I pushed down my thumb and I killed myself."
~Howard Buten

I don't ask why; I just fall into the meadow. I close my eyes and I wait to die. Yes, I am a liar. Yes, I am a sinner. Please forgive my broken soul.

Sometimes, I feel so guilty for being alive.

Chasing you forever into the depth of the night and it's cold out here. Your scent is addictive, so off into oblivion I go again. You as my leader; yourself oblivious to my obsessive following. And the world is dripping, sliding slowly out of existance. It's blurry from all the fast spinning that it does beneath me. I'm still running, splashing, through blurs and splotches of ancient murky colors. There's nothing to be heard, but it's not quiet, not silent; it's loud. Then you stop and there is silence. I smack into you and I can feel my world being put into order. It's all so clearly black with only silver stars twinkling brightly off the reflection in your eyes. We're dancing gracefully and precise. It's all so airy and slow in the twilight of young romance. Now I feel it, the emptiness of the chase that I ran. Thus, I run. Run, run, run, faster away from you. Don't follow. You won't make it in my world of unreal. It's fine now because its usual now. I'm not chasing and you're not following and it's all still until I foolishly fall again.

That's me. I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserable sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who looks so very vibrant and shimmery, but who is in fact soon going to be gone. When you look at that picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible, getting covered over more thickly with darkness, coats and coats of darkness that are going to suffocate me in the sweltering heat of the summer sun that I can't even see anymore, even though I can feel it burn.

Like God said to the Devil, "We are similar in so many ways. While I create, you destroy; but isn't destruction just another form of creation?"

Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love, and hold her tight
So happy together

"It's early morning, no one is awake. I'm back at my cliff still throwing things off. I listen to the sounds they make on their way down. I follow with my eyes until they crash.
I IMAGINE WHAT MY BODY WOULD SOUND LIKE SLAMMING AGAINST THOSE ROCKS, AND WHEN IT LANDS, WILL MY EYES BE CLOSED OR OPEN?"
-Hyperballad, bjork

The other night I had the most surreal dream... Or did it really happen?

I feel like I'm on drugs, make me stop smiling...

those lovely fantasies when you can almost hear the breathing..